praise the lord, it's finally saturday!

although i didn't much like my grandparents staying with me, i did enjoy the living situation; i had the entire upstairs to myself, and only had to see and speak with them at dinner. it's not that i don't love them, i just... prefer to be by myself.

anyway, this week mearly drove home to me just how much i want to be on my own and by myself. i have really sick daydreams about this... i fantisize that my whole family is dead, and i am left to carry on without them. the courts award me to my anderson grandparents (although, if you think about it logically, they probably wouldn't. they live in a retirement home, and that's hardly place for a sixteen year old. i'd probably wind up with my evil johnson grandparents because they have a house and live in a little town with my cousins... lots of family around that way. ha. but in that case, my fantasy goes: grandpa has heart attack, dies. grandma's cancer comes back, dies. ..oh, or they'd send me to my aunt kathy and uncle bob's. but that'd suck and i'd just do my whole mindfuck thing and convince them to... oh, sorry, here; let me go on:). i convince them to let me live on my own in an apartment and live on my own for like, a month or two. then if everything works out, they let me become an emancipated minor. it works out, and i'm on my own. i've got the insurance money in the bank for college, i'm getting all a's, and i'm working two jobs to make a living. it's hard and stressfull and emotionally tough because of the reason i'm on my own, but i have to learn to move on and live my life. if i mope and mourn all my life, i'll end up fucked over and dead. so i work hard, live on my own, and thrive.

i don't particularly want my family dead. i just want the freedom that would bring. i would ask my parents to emancipate me (am i even using the right word? that sounds riddiculous), but i've brought it up once before earlier this year, and they said they wouldn't put me through that. but i *want* to be "put through that". i feel like i desperately *need* it. to me, it's as if i won't fully be myself-- or even, i guess, fully *human* in emotion, spirit, and dedication, for that matter-- until i am on my own.

now, i am lazy and have no self discipline. do you know why? because it's *expected*. i have no idea why i have such a problem with pleasing people so much in this respect... i've never really thought about my motivation behind it. but in any case, that's the way it is. i do not like doing what i am asked or doing what people want me to do because i feel like *i'm* not really doing it. i feel like i'm just their automoted slave, carrying out orders. it's their accomplishment, not mine; it was their demand that got whatever it is done.

for instance, i have no problem cleaning my room or my bathroom. i *like* it neat and clean. however, the second i am asked, all desire to pick up floods from my body. i like getting good grades, but i refuse to work hard and study simply because my parents tell me to. i also do not mind emptying the dish washer (i've done it several times when no one was around), and i have no doubt that i can cook (but because it's such a big deal around here, i refuse to try). the same rule applies for exercise. i adore dancing, running, fighting, lifting, pushing... but i can't stand the thought of anyone knowing i'm trying to better myself. that is why, when i say, "i'm going for a walk," i really mean, "i am going off by myself to explore, hike, run, and *walk*, but, i don't want you along or to know where i am going."

i also feel wretched that i lied to my grandparents and told them i was going one place when i was really going another, just to be away from any hint of them. i feel wonderful when people don't know where i am; if i'm late, they can't call after me. if they want to go see me, they can't.

and see, i don't even really care that much about, for instance, the afore mentioned insurance money in my daydream. in fact, i would prefer it if i had to work through college. i would feel more like it's *my* accomplishment this way. or if i got a scholarship, i would feel obligated to work my ass off to be at the top of my class. hell, i'm going to do this anyway because i want to be a rhodes scholar.

i thrive under pressure and feel a need to work myself harder, but i **cannot** bring myself to do so if it will bring satisfaction to, say, my parents. or my grandparents. i was downstairs at lunch, and mimi started saying that i shouldn't marry a doctor because they have horrible hours, but a lawyer wouldn't be bad; "it's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man." now, i realize she was just trying to be helpful and didn't really mean anything by this, but that's just disgusting! who i fall in love with is who i fall in love with! who they are and what they look like and how well off they are has nothing to do with anyone else! besides, i'm *sixteen*years*old*, for god's sake. i haven't even ever *had* a boyfriend, much less given thought to marriage! i have no use for typical relationships. this, perhaps, is why i've held off so long in getting involved in one at all. i see what happens, and the different patterns that emerge not only with each individual (ie, sarah always falling for dumb-ass losers), but also the different things that can happen between each couple. rei's relationships and jane's, for instance, are two completely different things. as are relationships between jane and brad and jane and lee.

but even as i look at this, i see it can be a double-edged sword. on one hand, i see that my involvement with people will not be exactly like anyone else's, but on the other hand, i don't know what will happen. not knowing what will happen is a good thing in many instances, but not in this one. i know in the back of my mind what i want, but i don't really know how to verbalize it. i also don't want to force it. this has to be a completely natural occurance, and if it is not, i will walk out. but i don't want to hurt people, i don't want to hurt myself, and now i am babbling incoherently.

*sigh*

it occured to me to day as i was in the bath tub, that i want to go to sarah lawrence college. more than that, i yearn to go there. i want to go to this college more than i have ever wanted anything in my life; more than i want the complete collection of sailor moon dream pocket dolls, more than i want a wardrobe filled only with satin and muslin and crushed velvet and gause, more than i want to go to new york again this summer, more than i want to go to d.c. this feburary by myself, more than i want to meet robert smith, more than i want a lifetime supply of candy canes, more than... just about anything. yeah, all of these are pretty trivial. and a few things that i want stand out more than wanting to go to sarah lawrence; being very infinately wise, learning more and more, being on my own (although part of wanting to go to s.l. is based inthis), desiring love and solitude silmotaneously... but as far as material things go, sarah lawrence has them all beat. so i've decided to apply to there, mount holyoke, and reed for early admission in the winter.

more high school schedual crap: i think i'm going to talk to mrs. baird after sixth hour on the first day of school to see if i can (drumroll, please) do this:
    get out of american history second hour and take g/t.
    in 2nd hour g/t, take history of film and either ap statistics or french 1. (depending on what the admission requirements for my three colleges are; if any one of them requires three years of foreign language, french 1 is where it's at! oh, then i'd have to talk to the french teacher, but she goes to my church, so i'm hoping i can just corner her there closer to the beginging of the year.)
    in 6th hour g/t, take ap psychology first semester, world history and child psychology second.

i want to be able to do all this, and i know i'm capable of getting a's in all of them. i'm also hoping it'll bring me out of my "i'm not going to try" funk. it may be slightly self- destructive, but if i want to be able to get into and survive at the colleges i want to go to, i feel like i'm gonna have to pull my head out of my butt, so to speak, and actually **try** for once. low a's and high b's without putting effort forth or studying were fine in the past (no, they weren't! i totally regret that now!), but from here on out, i have to do as well as possible.

    7:41 pm

on a totally different note, monday, i guess it was, i got lost on the highway. i went out to conoco, but couldn't get in because i don't have a badge, so i went out driving around. i went straight on waverly, i think, and when i came to the road you usually take to get back to down- town, i went straight. little did i know that this was the road that leads you on to the high- way... i expected myself to feel frightened and lost and bad for doing this thing i'm not supposed to do, but i didn't. i just felt like... "hey, i'm driving away from it all! i'm not in ponca anymore... i'm completely alone." it wasn't exhillerating, either, though. it just felt *right*. i can't think of a way to put it other than this: i knew then that this was where i was supposed to be at that time. i know now how to escape town... i also actually navigated without the use of maps (i didn't have one). i just kept my wits about me and followed the signs. when it became clear that all the exits lead farther south, i (luckilly, i guess) found a turn-around spot on the median and headed back to town, taking the right exits and everything. i was impressed, especially since last time i tried navigating, i got my mom lost on a one-way road... hmm.

oh yeah; parents just got back. attacked mom with nylf thing. she said "looks like a scam for them to make money", as expected. but also said she'd think about it. yay! there is hope; after all, there is **NO FUCKING WAY** they're keeping me from going to this huge town by myself for this thing. i really really really want to go; i *am* going.

everyone's taller than me in my home. it sucks. i think i may be shrinking; everyone's looming stature keeps increasing, and i doubt my mom has hit a growth spurt.

i love my mom sooooooo much! she is my hero. she is the greatest person i know. even when she ticks me off, i know she is still so great. i really really really love my mommy.

i am so tired of feeling depressed and empty so much...

i dislike my "voice" in these entries. i sound stupid.

it is so weird fot me to think that ben, among others, is another... person. not that he's alive and here, etc, but that he thinks. that he has thoughts and reactions and might even write them down like this. it's an elementary revelation, yes. but it's so easy to forget that.

i got the cure's "lovesong" single. it's fabulous; i have another favorite song, "fear of ghosts." it's almost seven minutes of mostly instrumental music with a few lines whispered by robert here and there. the reason i got this single and not "fascination street" is because of this song; it is the one that contains the line "the further i get from the things that i care about, the less i care about how much further away i get." i read that quote ages ago, and it had never gotten out of my mind... it's so true. but the song is what really brings it home and instills such a *feeling*. god, the cure is genius! (you knew you couldn't get by without a cure paragraph, right?)

i want to buy this headboard i saw at just yesterday. it's beautifully victorian. but i probably will never obtain it. *sigh* i don't remember how much it costed, but it was phenominal. somewhere around $300, i would venture to guess. i'm probably going back there to buy a candle monday--no! i can't... i must save my money!! dangit, this is so haaaard. i'm getting all whiny already, and it's only been six days. yesterday, i almost bought $50 worth of cds from cdnow, before i stopped myself. augh.

i was cleaning out my files on my father's computer earlier this week for lack of anything better to do, and stumbled across this sm fanfic i started a while back. i had forgotten i wrote it, and what i wrote about, but it's actually good; no, it's *very* good... i'm surprised *i* was the one who wrote it. all i could think when i re-read it was, "oh my god, i can write... i can actually write..." and regret that i'd wasted actually valliant efforts on a *fanFic*, of all things. so, i am thinking of going back and changing a few things and writing some more on it.