i almost got hit by a car and now i'm feeling depressed.

i didn't check my blind spot, and started changing lanes... thankfully, i saw the car before i ran into it.

after the adrenaline, i got really depressed and out of it.

i started staring at the trees along the road, not on the road... i thought "i am too caught up in this beauty to drive..." ...but what was i to do; just stop?

so i kept going. i went to braums and bought a half galon of ice cream and am not devouring it. it will probably be gone by sunday. i don't know why i bought it, though; i know it won't make me feel better. in fact, it will probably only make me sicker.

i feel so empty and saddened, but i don't know why.

on my way home down princeton, or one of those other streets, i started driving faster and faster down the middle of the street and thought, "i'm on a suicide run. i don't care. they can hit me." but i don't want to die. i simply don't care if i do right now.

heather has _kiss me kiss me kiss me_, so i'm listening to "homesick" and "untitled" over and over and over...

i also got my angel poster from carpe noctem today. it's beautiful, but has something the small digital version didn't show; a skull behind the beauty's face. i covered the skull up with my crop circle poster. not very "goth" to do (but i am not "gother-than-thou", you see; i am allowed), but here is my reasoning: i am not afraid of the implications of the skull, death, etc. i realize darkness must be present for us to see the light, death is a part of life, etc etc. i just don't like the imagery associated with it. why gaze upon the face of evil all day, when you can surround yourself with beauty?

i came to the conclusion last night, in my restless tossing, that this journal centers on four things: god, art, death, and beauty. i seem fixated on paper, but life itself-- the activity that constantly turns about this still computerized life and thoughts-- mostly have nothing at all to do with this. and my brain thinks not of "deep" thoughts when occupied with activity. normal? yes... this is the one thing i am sure of that is normal in my life.

      :9:51 pm

i fell asleep for two hours after this. left my tamagothi percil running with the lights on, too. then i killed him off because i wanted to know my score (it was *big*!). never fear, i'm calling this percil pre-percil3, because i'm falling in love with that name! past "names" for me have included bob and kilroy, but percil is not so ordinary and i'm liking it more and more.

i reread my june 30 entry and decided i'd finish up my acts thing. i want to brag because it's a good score, but i want to sulk and be consolated because it's not good *enough*. i'm also pissed off that i didn't get a 36 on my english part because i missed ONE frinking question on "rhetorical sentances". grr!

i was planning on roughing out the answers to the essay questions on the mt holyoke application. i actually think it's last year's application, so my answers would be just for practice, but if this is the real thing, well hey, i'll have them done somewhat early. i have to go check their website to see which application i printed.

i messed with the computer, ended up with some pretty decent art, ordered the cure's "love song" single (it's from '89, but i want!!) from cdnow, decided to redo heather's site and give up on our shoes project-- lack of participation always foils my plans. this lack would be okay, since i'm fairly self-sufficent when it comes to creative outlets such as this, but when it's a site (or whatever) about people and their lives... i can't do anything about that. it's not as if i can climb inside their skin and get their perspective; they have to be in charge of at least getting the information to me. bleh.

i'm so frightened about applying to college this december. i'm scared i won't get accepted, yet i'm also scared i will. in my mind, the pros outweigh the cons one thousand fold on going to college early. so i will try my hardest...

i have $515.60, so i am going to deposit some cash, $15.30, and go to hastings tommorrow. i am going to buy the new smashing pumpkins album and the cure's _pornography_, i think. possibly i'll get _boys don't cry_.

heather's journal entries aggrivated me for the longest time. they clashed with my reality of her; they were too romanticised. however, i realize now i shouldn't have felt this way at all. my entries are so pompous and loud... and nothing like my self, either. all of our